March 2nd, 2015 by Katie Morton
I caught up with a friend over lunch (no, it wasn’t Gayle King) and we were talking about our jobs and careers, our campaigns of self-improvement—daily workouts for me, going to bed on time for her—and our hopes for the future, as we always do when we’re together.
I told her about an exciting opportunity I was hoping to land: to become the managing editor of a world-famous author’s web site. I bragged to my friend about all of the amazing things I can do for the author’s site; many of these things I’m already doing for a client of mine.
My friend asked me gently, “And do you do all of these things for your own web site?”
“No!” I laughed, like it was the most ridiculous question in the world. “You know how it is. The cobbler’s kids have no shoes.” Are you familiar with this saying? It basically means that the things you’re skilled at, you’ll do for others while you and yours go without.
1. Understand the Time Scarcity Myth
I wasted the next few minutes of our conversation defending the idea that I don’t have time to work on my own web site. I’m writing a book! I have these clients! I’m raising a kid! Blah blah blah…snore.
There, no one could possibly argue with that giant pile of nonsense. I had myself nicely fooled into thinking that this is the way things are, that I don’t have time to communicate with my beloved readers or to redesign my mess-of-a-web-site.
It’s actually way easier to ignore our own needs. It’s easy—heck, it’s almost fun to wait until we’re hangry to eat and then faceplant into naughty foods; to prioritize just about anything over exercising our bodies; to serve others thoroughly and to enjoy their praise (or avoid their wrath) at the expense of serving ourselves at all.
It feels righteous and giving to ignore our own needs, but it’s really just a stupid waste of our God-given existence. In short, if you want to improve your life, the first step is to find the time. I’m not saying this step is easy, but it is necessary.
To begin, you must allow yourself to enjoy downtime. Stop buying into the current trend of optional stress and making yourself so nonstop busy that you can’t even think. Next, manipulate your schedule to make time for the things that matter to you.
In order to have enough time for myself, I go to bed and rise early. This schedule shift gives me plenty of sleep, plus time to tackle fun priorities like writing novels that I would abandon otherwise because I’m too “busy.”
You might have to get creative when it comes to finding the time to improve your own life, too, but only after you drop the rushing around busy-crazy habit.
2. Stop Jumping Through the Wrong Hoops
This week another friend enlisted me to help a celebrity makeup artist who’s launching a makeup line this year, so I put together a kick-ass online content strategy for her.
As it always does when we’re being obtuse about the lessons we need to learn, the Universe slapped me upside the head. As I was crazy-busy (sigh) making editorial calendars for other people based on the premise that I could make them rock stars, my words kept coming back to haunt me: “I don’t have time to work on my own web site.”
And finally, the lesson snapped into place. I saw an email from Hay House inviting aspiring writers to a retreat in Maui. After you paid for airfare, hotel, and to be an attendee, you were then allowed to enter a contest: you could submit a book proposal, and if you’re selected for publication, you get a $10,000 advance.
Now, forgive me Hay House, because I would love it if they chose my book.
But I thought…”What a crock when people can take charge of their own success these days. If you want a book published, do it yourself.” Since authors are expected to work hard to publicize their own stuff, whether they’re self-published or handed a book deal, why would you jump through these hoops if publication is what you’re after?
Bottom line: if you want to improve your life, stop waiting to be rescued. Stop waiting to get picked for the team. Stop buying literal and figurative lottery tickets. Figure out exactly what you can do to have an impact on the quality of your life, the things that you have control over, and take action.
3. Uncover Your “If This, Then That” Thinking
So what if you jump through hoops anyway because your hopes for publication are riding on a traditional publishing deal, and what if you don’t get selected?
This is exactly what I’d been doing: sitting around thinking, “Pick me, world-famous author. Let me make you even more famous, even though working for you would make it harder for me to finish my book and to pay any attention to my own readers and tribe. Let me ride all of my hopes for success on hitching my wagon to yours.”
I had been thinking, “If I get this job, I’ll have it made. And if I don’t, I’ll wither in obscurity.” Way to engage in totally incorrect “if this, then that” thinking!
We never know what’s going to happen, but I was so sure: If this, then that—but if that doesn’t happen, then BLURG. We often look at life like it’s a choose-your-own adventure book, with very few possible outcomes.
A lot us harbor these weird thoughts that aren’t true. If I get married, I don’t need to worry about finances. If I get that job, my life will be perfect. If I lose weight, I will finally feel whole. If I get published, my life will be complete.
When we ditch these strange, false associations, and we instead put in the work on ourselves and for ourselves to improve our lives by picking high-impact areas, it’s far more likely we will notice a sudden surge of improvement. And it’s likely that if we operate this way over time, by giving our high-impact areas priority attention, then a spaghetti-like mess of options and opportunities may very well pile up at our feet.
4. Act in the Face of Your Fears
We all have just a few things that we know would improve our lives if only we would just do them. Why don’t we do what we know would improve our lives? What’s the hold up? Usually because of these 3 things:
A fear of success.
A fear of failure.
A fear of hard work.
At any rate, all of this boils down to a fear of change. It’s terrifying to change the status quo, even if the status quo involves a lot of complaining about the status quo.
Think of those who have made it BIG in this life. They aren’t afraid of these things. Or maybe they are, but they do what must be done anyway. Oprah has said that the most successful among us have failed the most—but only because they’re willing to try new things and to take risks.
To put it in very simple terms: most successful people figure out what would improve their lives and the lives of others, and they prioritize their time to make it happen. Even when it means taking a risk. Even though they might be wasting their time. Even though they might be embarrassed if it doesn’t work out the way they planned, they still act in the face of those fears.
5. Fix Problems Instead of Complaining
Like my complaint about “not enough time” to work on my own content, complaints are really a form of escapism. By complaining, we create an alternate reality where it’s impossible for us to take responsibility and be successful at improving our situations.
Complaining is also a way to reframe an excuse as an obstacle. Do we all need to vent sometimes? I’m not so sure. But if you really feel you have to, then do it once and move on to finding a solution.
Look, I’m only human. If you ask if I’ve ever gnawed on a complaint like a dog on a pork chop, I’ll raise my hand. Just like that dog, there are many times when I Will. Not. Let. It. Go.
But when you notice yourself doing that, stop it. Unfurrow your brow. Relax your jaw. And move on to figuring out a way to fix reality rather than escaping to Complaint Land.
6. Keep Your Eyes on Your Own Paper
“Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.” — H. Jackson Brown, Jr., Author of Life’s Little Instruction Book
Another way to say this that’s growing in popularity is, “Stay in your own lane.” When we don’t stay in our own lane we:
- Kill our confidence (or build false confidence) by comparing ourselves to others.
- Waste time complaining about what THAT guy is doing, OMG, what a JerK, I can’t STAND that mofo, what a WASTE OF SPACE, what is he DOING, he is such an ASS. You get the picture.
- Worry about the person who just said all of that about you.
You could create the most beautiful, creative creation ever to have been created, and some people won’t like it. That’s okay. They aren’t your people. It’s not about them, as much as critics sometimes think it is. Keep reminding yourself that you’re not doing what you love to piss anyone off, but nor are you doing it to win approval.
But who hasn’t let a critic get into their head? Don’t let them. Do your best, when you first notice it happening, to pry them out of your psyche with a crowbar and nail the thing shut. Keep improving your life for you. It’s not about them.
Keep your eyes on your own paper: don’t do things for praise. Don’t do things to avoid criticism. Instead, do what you love and do it well.
And for the love of God, stop gossiping. Judging other people is the fastest way to solidify your standing in life as a nasty prune face. Mind your own business; improve your own life and stop worrying about what everyone else is doing.
7. Don’t Be Afraid to Suck
I saw this 2-minute video of Ira Glass speaking about the gap between a creative person’s taste and their skills when they first start out. And this reminded me of my first novel and made me feel infinitely better.
I was all set to publish my first novel this past fall. I had a book cover made. I was bouncing around the ring like Muhammad Ali, saying, “Let’s DO this.” I was so ready. I had started working on that book 12 years ago, and by golly, it was finally going to see the light of day.
I loaded the book into my Kindle to see what it would look like and to do a final proof before it hit the presses. And it SUCKED.
In less than a year, I’ve just about written the second book. So how’s that for a speed differential. And it’s so clear to me now that my taste and my skills are finally getting all lined up. When I read passages from this second book, it’s all joy, but when I read pages from the first book, it’s mostly cringe-worthy.
But here’s the thing: had I not gotten a first, shitty book out of my system; had I not learned about plot and pacing and character development and conflict by practicing on the first book, then the second book would be the same experimental pile of feces that the first book was.
When you set out to improve your life, in any which way—whether it’s by getting healthier or getting organized—it can be those regular things we do to live better…we will probably suck at first. We will probably keep forgetting to hang up our clothes or to buy lettuce. We need to keep practicing, and keep studying the skills of others who have mastered these before us.
8. Don’t Confuse Courage With Wisdom
This is one of those lessons that has bitten me in the butt enough times that I hope I’ve gotten it down by now.
Sometimes when we’re working on life improvement projects, we think, “If only I knew just a little bit more about this topic. If only the secret formula would click in my brain and then I could go forth and conquer.”
Maybe you keep “forgetting” to buy lettuce, and you think there’s some motivational something-or-other out there (a book, a person, a product), and if only you could find this resource that would change your life and give you the wisdom to transform into a health nut!
Sometimes, my friend, you don’t need wisdom. Sometimes you know exactly what you’ve gotta do, but you’re being a wimp about it. We often think wisdom will help motivate us when we actually need to take a deep breath and do what we know needs to be done to improve our lives.
Courage. That’s what you need. It’s time to stop searching and embrace the Nike slogan.
9. Face Reality
How do we confuse courage with wisdom? It’s usually because we don’t want to face reality. Reality is often uncomfortable.
I have had to face certain unfortunate truths about myself before making a change. I didn’t want to face reality because it would mean making changes that I didn’t particularly want to make, yet I knew the changes would make my life better.
For example, I didn’t want a regular workout routine. I didn’t want to change the way I was eating. For a long time, it was easier to ignore reality and keep going along with the way things were.
When I finally faced reality, it was clear: I had to make a change. It was hard at first. But now I’m not going back.
Another way to face reality and improve your life at the same time? Have gratitude for exactly how things are, right now. It’s too easy to forget how lucky we are. Remind yourself often.
10. Invest Your Time in the Right Priorities
If you’re anything like me, then it’s highly possible you’re working your tail off on the wrong priorities. Why the heck would we do that? It’s most likely due to a fear of failure if we actually put our time towards what matters most to us.
Of course, in defense of the fear of failure, it’s not that fun when we think of investing our time in gains that aren’t guaranteed to come to fruition.
If we sit down to watch a marathon of reruns on TV, we know exactly what will happen: we’ll be entertained for a few hours. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as it was a conscious decision. Otherwise, we’re left with the feeling that we didn’t invest our time; we wasted it instead.
It helps to remember that the right priorities frequently involve delayed gratification. Investing our time right now to improve our lives at some unforeseen point in the future involves risk. It’s a risk that our time is wasted with nothing to show for it. But what’s the alternative? Not trying and regretting it? The time will pass either way.
I wrote about this a bit in my last post, about how we often think we need validation from others in order to feel important. What if you put some of your time and talents towards your own goals and fulfillment, regardless of what other people think? You’d certainly improve your life.
What if you created for the sake of creating without worrying so much about the outcome? What if we all just enjoyed ourselves for once, by helping others as well as ourselves? I’ll tell you what: a spaghetti-like mess of options and opportunities. Go forth and help others as well as yourself, and feast on an improved life.
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January 17th, 2015 by Katie Morton
Photo Credit: Raneko / Creative Commons
I’m a planner. A dreamer. I love the idea that you can come up with a blissful vision for your life and then live into it, like you’re sliding into a well-worn pair of pants, which of course is a wonderful idea in theory that never works out that way. And so I feel like my biggest struggle in life is to BE HERE NOW, in the messy reality of my life, not how I wish it was.
Today I went to a class about self-publishing fiction. The whole first class was dedicated to pursuing a traditional publishing deal.
WHY did I just sit through a class that’s supposed to be about self-publishing that was about the EXACT OPPOSITE: how to get an agent and get a publishing company to notice you?
Because, as James Altucher would say, we’re all just waiting to be discovered. There are so many of us out there who are waiting for our big, life-defining moment. To lose 40 pounds and to be crowned the proverbial prom queen, to win MVP, to have our moment in the spotlight. To get told—by somebody else, by somebody “important”—for one minute that we’re good enough. That we’re doing it right.
And we’re raising a generation of kids who are told at every turn that they are perfect, that they are more than enough, that they are our everything. And that’s fine. Life will teach them whatever it is that they need to learn.
But about us.
You are doing it right. You are enough. Except you, me, we all need to stop waiting for validation. We need to stop waiting for our lives to come together and feel right. This is it. Today is all we’ve got.
Stop waiting to get picked, and take a good hard look at the life that you’ve built for yourself and see that it’s good…no, that it’s amazing, that it’s better than we could have imagined at some small, stunted, scary part of our lives when we were hard on our luck.
When I look back at all the jobs I’ve had. All the piddly summer jobs that I thought didn’t matter, that in retrospect were the best jobs of my life. Lifeguarding? Are you kidding me? BEST. JOB. EVER. I got a suntan for a living. Yes, saving lives = big responsibility and all that jazz, and it all boils down to AWESOME. Incredibly, because I was a stupid teenager, I didn’t know at the time that this was the best job in the world, that every day was a paid 8-hour meditation session.
Then there were the corporate ladder climbing jobs in my 20s and 30s…in DC when I was so poor it was preposterous, and in NYC when I gradually went from bleeding cash to making more money than I knew what to do with (the answer was that I stuck it all in a retirement account because thank God I am a nerd, and I never knew a time would come when I’d be unable to contribute to that fund).
But still, I didn’t appreciate those jobs to the levels they should have been appreciated any more than I had the good sense to appreciate being a lifeguard. I thought there would be a ticker tape money parade until the end of time. Ha ha. And duh.
These days I’m kept up at night by commercials about contributing to my child’s college fund. And so I’ve learned to be incredibly grateful for now, and the small, quiet jobs that I’m enchanted by, that I might be tempted to take for granted, but by now I know better. That I get paid to sit at home in front of a computer is nothing short of sorcery.
But even still, it’s tempting to take this for granted, these moments, these days. To think instead ahead to when my daughter will be older and more independent, and to when perhaps I will have some success in my fiction career.
But to think that way means to think it will be better when my daughter doesn’t care for me as much, because that’s what happens when a child moves from thinking her mother is her world to realizing that her mother is the same level of delusional batshit annoying as any sitcom mother, but probably worse, because she’s here, live, in the flesh, trying to harsh my buzz and tell me what to do, man.
I was watching author Barbara Brown Taylor talking to Oprah Winfrey, and they were scoffing at how so many people feel the pull, the call for a bigger life. They were discussing with a slight hint of disdain that not everyone is supposed to live a big life, that there is magnificence in the small, ordinary moments of our lives. Easy for them to say as they sit comfortably on their oversized flawless white cushy TV chairs.
But of course they’re right. Taylor said the most important thing people can do in their lives is to look at the big red X beneath their feet and to really be there, to live out of their current circumstances rather than trying to live into a fantasy. I had a huge A-HA moment at hearing that advice, because it’s rare to hear someone say that—unless it’s someone trying to dash your dream or protect you from failure, two sides of the same coin.
Because of course, we’re all familiar with the warning that there’s risk in standing still on that big red X. There’s great risk in doing the same thing over and over again and freezing in place. We rot. We all know that living an inspired and meaningful life means to have big goals.
To keep moving ahead.
When it comes to living your life out of a vision, vs. living your life out of your current circumstances, it’s my firm belief that you must do both every day. It’s important to dabble equally in hope for the future, and in the glory of now. Have a vision for a fabulous life, and hold it in your heart. But then keep your eye on the prize, which, ironically, is your life exactly as it is right now.
When you’re in the present and allow yourself to feel the joy inherent in it, you get to feel how great your life is, the ordinariness of it, right now.
We’ve heard all of this before. Have gratitude. But it bears repeating, because this is all going to end, whether we like it or not, so we might as well enjoy it.
These are the days. The good old days. Happy days. Cherish them. Hug your family and friends tight.
Give your heart a break, every day, and be here now. Let your heart rest on the life you’ve built, for everything you have right under your nose. Not all the plans and the mile-long to-do lists, but whatever is happening all around you.
This morning when I brought my daughter into her preschool class, she was greeted by her best friend, who promptly invited my daughter to her house. These four-year-olds then set about planning how this playdate was going to happen. My daughter recited our address for her friend, who then said, “But I can’t drive.” My daughter offered to drive, as if this is something she does every day. The other four-year-old then lamented that she would have to bring her car seat, and she can’t carry it by herself. My daughter admitted she doesn’t have two car seats.
This is often how we operate in life. We have our vision for how we want our life to go. We want a playdate with fate. Then we set about planning how this is all going to unfurl, but we’re not equipped to get ourselves from point A to point B. At some point we need to make our request and then trust that it will either unfold for us or it won’t, but either way, there’s good stuff right here for the taking.
These two friends have all day to play with each other at preschool. They could stop planning their playdate and just start playing, any minute now.
This reminds me of the time I stepped out of my apartment at some ungodly hour of the morning while the sky was pitch black and the moon was shining. There was a little frog sitting on my doorstep, far away from the nearest source of water. I knew if I left him there, that as the moon sank and the sun rose, he would dry out, shrivel and die.
So I would rescue him. But man, that frog made it way harder than it had to be. First, in order to escape me, he jumped and jumped, slamming himself repeatedly into a brick wall. Then when I finally held him cupped in my hands, I could feel his fear. Where was I taking him? What would become of him? And when I neared a source of water, instead of waiting patiently to be set down, when he heard the roar of the stream swollen by the rain rushing ten feet down beneath the bridge under my feet, he threw himself out of my hands and down into the water.
This is how we act in the hands of the Universe / God / the Force / The Field of Possibility: thrashing blindly, struggling every day against what is, arguing against our realities, not wanting to trust, being unable to gratefully accept that no matter what happens, we’re all going to be okay.
Let your heart rest. Even when you suspect you’re in the hands of a giant who wants to eat you, it will be okay.
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December 31st, 2014 by Katie Morton
Photo credit: Miquel Angel Pintanel Bassets / Creative Commons
Happy New Year! This year I’ve got a super-charged way of creating motivating resolutions, and a method that helps you stick to your plans every day. There are 8 Steps:
Step 1: List 25 Lifetime Goals
Go ahead and be audacious. You don’t need to share these with anybody, but you do need to go ahead and write down the 25 things you’d most like to see happen in your life.
Step 2: Boil Down Your Lifetime Goals to 5
Take a look at your big list and prioritize the five that are within closer reach in terms of timing, and that most reflect your values and what’s important to you in life.
Step 3: List 25 Goals for This Year
Write down 25 things you could resolve to do this year that could bring you closer to these 5 lifetime goals.
Step 4: Boil Down Your Goals for This Year to 5
I know it seems crazy to make these long lists and then cut them down, but your goals and lists are far more inspiring when you need to reach for more—and then hone your focus to your priorities. It reminds you that you have options and that you’re free to choose how to spend your time; and it reminds you of what actually matters to you.
Step 5: Create a Daily Routine
Based on your 5 goals for this year, create a daily routine that incorporates small daily habits that will move you towards your goals.
Personally, I love my daily walks in the woods for both stress relief and fitness, so that’s staying in my routine.
Step 6: Create a Daily Worksheet
Based on your anticipated daily routine, you’re going to create a worksheet that you can look at every day so that you can be reminded of what you need to do to reach your goals.
My daily worksheet includes a series of charts and checklists that cover the different times of day and different goals I have, like:
- An early morning routine so that I get my meditation, journaling, and novel writing done.
- An exercise chart so that I know what physical activities I have planned for which days.
- A dinner section so that I know what to shop for and prepare each day of the week.
- My work schedule so that I can fill in my to-do list for each day.
- A chart to remind me to spend 10 minutes tidying each floor of our home every day.
Step 7: Decide How to Use Your Daily Worksheets
When will you refer to your worksheet? Where will you keep your worksheets so that you remember to check off your goals every day?
If you prefer paper, you could keep your worksheets in a binder on your kitchen counter or desk. Or you could put one worksheet inside a clear plastic holder and write on your worksheet each day with a dry erase marker. Or create digital worksheets and keep them in a folder on your computer. Create a calendar reminder so that you remember to use your worksheets.
Whether you prefer paper or digital, keep copies of your progress so you can look back at the end of the month and evaluate how well your routine is working for you. Then make adjustments to your worksheet if necessary at the end of each month.
Step 8: Swap Perfectionism for Persistence
This is the most important step. It’s easy to make a mistake on a resolution and to use that one screw-up (or even a series of screw-ups) to toss the whole enchilada. Instead, it’s imperative to remain curious to find out where you went wrong and correct course.
For example, if you cheat on your resolution to eat healthy—because you’re human and you will—don’t beat yourself up and then quit. Instead, do a post-mortem to see how the mistake happened, and then make an adjustment, either to your attitude or to your plan. Repeat, ad nauseum.
Keep tracking via your daily worksheets, and adjust as necessary. And voila! You’ve got yourself a winning resolution.
Are you making resolutions this year? If so, sign up for Katie Morton’s newsletter to get a free copy of her ebook 10 Steps to a Blissful Life to learn how to break bad habits and live bigger.